A Journal Entry: I’m being haunted // I can’t forget my regrets.

I am, in general, an altruistic person. Or at the very least, I would like to think that I am.

So when I let someone down or someone is mad at me, I take it very VERY personally.

This has basically also led me to have a probably unhealthily large moral compass, at least when it comes to hurting other people.

Sometimes, I’m sitting in class and suddenly remember some mistake or regret that I did six months or even a year ago. That’s how long I remember things like this (It also means I’m super good at holding grudges when I want to).

So one day a few weeks ago, I bought pizza from my senior class pizza sale for the first time in four or five months. Every time I would go to buy pizza, they would run out of the cheese flavor, and I don’t eat pepperoni, so I would just dejectedly walk away until the next week. The one day I finally get pizza, I use a twenty dollar bill that I was supposed to use for lunch for the entire week. As I step away from the line, an eighth grader (blonde, glasses, kind of chubby) comes up to me and is like “can I borrow some money to buy pizza?”. In a rush to get to my bus (and never having interacted with this kid EVER), I said, “Sorry, I don’t really give money to strangers. Sorry. SORRY” and then walked away really fast. Now when I got onto the bus, I felt a bit bad. I mean, this kid could have been from a low-income family where he can’t have three meals a day and was relying on this pizza for sustenance. He could have forgotten his lunch at home and not eaten anything all day. I just denied a child (okay so he was like 13 but that’s young) the right to food. Three weeks without food leads to death… and so on and so forth until I felt like a terrible person who could have easily given this stranger $2 that I obviously had.

Finally, I decided that I did nothing wrong and that the kid probably shouldn’t have asked some random senior he didn’t know to pay for his pizza anyways. Now, every day, without fail, I see this kid.

Every. Single. Day.

It’s like the universe is telling me I should have been kinder. Honestly, he’s going to look at me and always think “that’s the mean senior who wouldn’t lend me money for pizza”. (looking back on it, he asked for money, not to borrow money). It’s very disconcerting, and I don’t like it at all. I feel almost guilty whenever I see him, and I don’t really understand why.

I should probably work on this though, because it’s definitely going to affect me later on in some detrimental way. I guess that’s why we’re all works-in-progress, though, right?





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